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Thursday, July 17, 2014

See you again

Like time suspended, a wound unmended- you and I.
We had no ending, no said goodbye;
For all my life, I'll wonder why.

I wasn't sure if I was going to write this, because not many people knew. We only told close friends, and a couple of family members, because it was still quite early. But, writing this is helping me grieve in a way. It is letting me appreciate life, although sometimes that life is too short, it is still there. 

On May 2nd, Alex and I found out we were expecting our second baby. We had planned this and were beyond happy when I told him the news. We told our parents the following week, and then I had an ultrasound May 15th to confirm and check the baby. After that we told our closest friends-a handful.

At that ultrasound, I was confirmed to be 6 weeks 1 day. We saw the baby, and heard the heartbeat, but it was so tiny so it was a bit hard to read. I was told that the heart rate was 91, but not to worry. I did worry at first. I read posts after posts of moms, all having different outcomes with the pregnancy. I began to pray about the safety and health of my baby, for protection. Everyone told me it would be fine, since Daniel is perfectly healthy, and was a good pregnancy. So, I trusted in that. I went on feeling great, happy as ever, created a pregnancy announcement, bought a big brother shirt for Daniel. We were all so ready to welcome a new pregnancy, and a new baby in the coming months.

Sometimes I had cramps, but never any signs of anything else. So I just assumed it was "growing" pains. I had those a lot while pregnant with Daniel.

On June 12th, I went in for my monthly followup. My doctor brought out the doppler listening device, and proceeded to check for the heartbeat. There was a lot of static from the machine, so she got a second one. Still a lot of static, no heartbeat made out. She said not to worry, but to come back in the afternoon when the ultrasound technician was there, to get an internal ultrasound. We went back at 4:00 pm. I was supposed to be 10 weeks. The ultrasound tech had a concerned look on her face, and my doctor walked into the room. They both studied the ultrasound, playing some noise from the machine, taking pictures, but I didn't know what was going on. Everyones eyes on the machine, yet I couldn't see a thing. My doctor proceeded to tell me that my baby had stopped developing shortly after the 6 week ultrasound. That my placenta was starting to detach. That I lost the baby. Alex immediately grabbed my hand, my doctor standing and holding my knees, and I sobbed. Sobbed for myself, but for my baby, who I was not able to provide for. The technician gave us a moment, ended the ultrasound, and we went into my doctors office. 

I thought maybe she would look at the pictures, tell me something different. Tell me anything positive. But, she didn't. She explained that this happens in 1 out of 5 women, even after a healthy pregnancy and baby. And that women go on to have more healthy pregnancies and babies. But I didn't care at that moment. I wanted this baby. I wanted to watch him/her grow, develop, be born, and grow outside of the womb. I wanted to see who he/she would turn out to be.

We had a couple of options. I could wait for my body to miscarry naturally, and that could take up to 2 or so weeks before it started. I could take Cytotec- a pill for stomach ulcers, but that is also used to induce contractions and expel the contents of the uterus. I could get a D&C- a surgical procedure that scrapes and suctions the contents of the uterus. We spoke about all the options. We decided that in my case, I should try the pills.

Friday June 13th, I took the three pills at 9:30pm. My doctor described this experience to start within an hour of taking them, and for it to go on a couple hours after that, and that it would be very intense. I waited. We watched Breaking Bad. It was past an hour, and nothing. We watched more episodes. I started getting mild menstrual like cramps, and light spotting. I was so tired, so around 12pm we decided to go to sleep. I tossed and turned, never really fell asleep. It was 4am when I got a sharp cramp, and darker bleeding. But nothing more than what I was used to from having my monthly cycle. I laid back down, and woke up at 8am when Daniel got up. I continued to feel crampy, dizzy, and upset for the remainder of the day, still bleeding, but not what my doctor had explained.

I searched the internet, talked to a couple of people, and found that the pill is not always effective. In most cases, women have to go on and get the D&C procedure anyways. I didn't sleep much Saturday night either, and had very bad lower back pain. Sunday was more of the same as before, but no more back or hip pain.

The following day (Monday, June 16th) I called my doctors office first thing, and got an appointment for the afternoon. When I went in, she did an exam and then sent me in for an ultrasound. It showed that nothing had changed, the baby was still in there, and the placenta was the same. We talked afterwards, discussed the same options. I decided to give the medication another try. After hearing about more risks with the D & C procedure, we decided that it would by my last option.

Tuesday June 14th, I took the round of 3 pills at 3:30pm. I had immediate bleeding. As the evening progressed I started getting cramps, and by 8:30 it was full blown and very intense. I ended up taking Motrin around 10:30, and was able to fall asleep at 1pm. I did not get much sleep, as the cramps would wake me up, and going back and forth to the bathroom. When Wednesday morning rolled around, I had still been very crampy with heavy bleeding. That night I passed more large clots, which was the end of it.

I had an appointment on Thursday the 15th, and was able to get the ultrasound. It showed that everything had passed. It really hit me then and there that just one month ago I had seen the heartbeat in there. And now, there was nothing, nothing to watch grow or feel movement. I had lost my first baby, and it's something I will never heal from. 

I pray every night to the baby, that he/she knows how much love I have. How sorry I am that I could not provide somewhere safe or healthy. But, then I pray to God, and thank him for giving me the opportunity to hold an angel, who is so special, and was needed up in heaven, and that we will see again someday. 

For our friends and family that did know, I am so grateful for your heartfelt words and support through this.





Pregnancy loss is something that is almost never talked about. I don't understand why. It happens, and it hurts, and it's even worse when people aren't familiar with it. 
I wish more people weren't so "hush hush" about it. Maybe that would have helped me..If I knew.

Each day is a struggle. Each time I go to the doctors the sweet assistant asks "Are you doing ok?" I always answer yes, but I know Im just lying.

I pray that I will be able to heal, and I pray for mother's just like me, that we can all heal together.

I will see you again,
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me
'Till I see you again.

8 comments:

  1. Hugs to you and Alex! I know it's hard to lose a baby, but God only gives us what we can handle. For the first few months after our loss I was convinced I couldn't handle it. I was angry and sad, and couldn't move on, but eventually we got pregnant again and I realized God took us through that to show me how strong Kyle and I really were. Even though I know being pregnant is such a gift after dealing with infertility, losing a baby made me so much more grateful. I know you are grateful for your babies too, and I can't wait to hear when you are pregnant again :) It will happen!!

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    1. Thank you for your continuous love and support! I could not have gotten through without you.

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  2. I'm so sad to hear this :( I have no words....just hope and pray comfort finds you and your family. xo

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    1. Thank you very much, Courtney. I appreciate your kind words!

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  3. Big hugs to you I'm so sorry for your loss. I experienced the same thing before I had Anya and it was truly the most heart breaking thing I had ever gone through. Don't feel selfish or bad for grieving and doing what you gotta do to be ok. Writing is a great outlet! If You ever want to talk let me know! Big Hugs babe!

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    1. Thank you, Amanda! I am so sorry I replied so late. Your words mean a lot.

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  4. I know I don't know you, but I felt the need to comment and to say thank you. Thank you for sharing what so many woman choose to keep to themselves. You are not alone, and it helps me to know I am not alone. There's no right thing a person can say to someone who's miscarried because each individual's pain is different. My husband and I have lost two pregnancies and have no babies on earth yet. I too, believe our babies are in heaven and I trust God's plan, but it doesn't take the pain or emptiness away. I wish I could tell you with time it gets easier. It's been 16 months since my first loss and I still cry over it and always think of the what if's. Anyways, I hope you don't think it's weird someone random read and commented but I just felt like your words were my own and wanted you to know you're not alone. I'm so sorry for your loss :(
    Kristen 

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    1. Kristen, Thank you, more than you know. You are NOT alone, there are so many women who have suffered, and it is so hard. Im deeply sorry for your losses as well. You will get your baby.

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